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1mWOAH: An Unsolved Mystery
15C
136mIn the summer of 2006, my life changed forever.
18C
136mThese are the true events that transpired:
13C
35m add google maps link in post-production. ahahahaha.
37m
36C
1mACT i
0m
135mIn 2005 lived on the 4th floor of a 4 story building. Its at the
intersection of 18th and E. Carson street in the South Side neighborhood
of Pittsburgh, PA.
Living on the top floor of the building was sweet because that meant you
could get on the roof. And since I lived in a festive neighborhood, it was
a great view.
0m
135mThis was also the 24-year old version of me. I was at that age where it
was romantic to DRAG a futon mattress up the fire escape and placed on the
dirty rooftop for me and my girlfriend to sleep on. But we didnt really
sleep, if you know what I mean. AMIRITE?
0m
135mActually, we slept for a pretty long time. I point that out to stress the
beginning of the second act.
36C
1mACT ii
0m
135mLemme ask ya: You ever wrap plastic wrap around your arms, legs and face
and get into a tanning bed for a few hours? I never have, but thats the
best frame of mind I can setup to explain the feeling of waking up under
a blistering hot summer sun in the A.M. Also: If I had to describe the
0m
135mshade of black this futon mattress was: Light-Absorbent Black.
33m
35mIt was like waking up on the
37m
33msun
35m.
0m
135m
37mFuck ALL of that.
35m Was my inital response as to bringing the futon mattress
back down the fire escape and into the apartment.
0m
135mFor concerns of my health
0m
135mthat came from this burning sun, I felt it was best to wait until I got home
from work later. My skin was starting to make me look like some sort of
deranged college football fan with half my body a different color
than it should humanly be.
0m
135mI gave that burning charred coal of a futon mattress the peace out sign.
No problem, no one is going up there in the span of time it takes me to
go through the wheels of work.
37m EASY PLAN: Go to work.
13C
1mAct busy for a few hours.
12C
1m Come home to mattress.
0m
135mIT SEEMED LOGICAL. Theres absolutely no fuckin reason anyone would go
up there. And fuck it, if my roomate somehow knows about it I can just
give him that look, like:
37mYo, man, I got lucky up there. THIS IS JUST
ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU GOTTA LET HAPPEN
35m.
0m
135mThis was no problem to deal
with once I get home.
18C
134m
35mIt starte
36md raining w
35mhen I got to work.
0m
135mIt rained pretty much the whole time I was AT work. And stopped when I got
out. Now, this is a fucking scenario I never saw happening.
Im not too sure what that mattress was stuffed with. Feathers, cotton,
old futon mattress shreddings. *chills* Whatever it was filled with, I
imagined it sitting on my roof absorbing every drop of water. I pictured
it sitting on my roof and slowly absorbing ALL the water on the roof. I
evisioned this airel shot of all the moisture slowing ebbing towards
0m
135mmattress and leaving the rest of the roof dry.
0m
135mOnce again, strictly concerning my health, I wasnt about to attempt this
futon mattress heist. That enormous sponge probably quadrupilled its mass.
Itd probably look like I was draging dead body off the roof. The only safe
0m
135m thing to do is just wait a few days and let that flesh-melting sun dry it
out. THEN Ill get it.
0m
135mI get home. My roomate informs me that the landlord called and two guys
are coming over in a few days to change the A/C vents. He also tells me
that we have to let them through the apartment because they have to get
on the ROOF. Fortunately, he was on his way out and I could finally take
care of this now agonizing focal point of my life that I dont need.
1mATMOSPHERIC MUSIC: The sound of one piano key being played over
28C
1mand over...
35m It fucking vanished. The surreal horrors that started to engluf me were
set off by the fact that there is now a void in my memory of where that
mattress was supposed to be.
36C
1mACT iii
35m Before you start going, Geeze man, calm down. The guests are leaving...
0m
135mlet me catch you up to speed with the cast of people who could get up
there.
37mRoomate:
35m No chance at all. He wasnt too keen of people going on the roof
11C
135mat all.
0m
135mHe wasnt all that keen on being up there himself.
0m
1mGirlfriend:
35mIm way too classy to let a girlfriend drag a soggy futon
12C
135mmattress off my roof and down the fire escape.
37m3rd floor neighbor:
35m Single mom with her elementary-aged son? Illogical.
35m
1mMom
035m Hey, son! Lets climb the fire escape and look for mattresses
37m
14C
35mon the roof that we can drag all the way back down here.
37m
14C
35mFor no reason.
1m
37mLandlord:
35mOh, absolutely not. I would have gone from my mattress
12C
135mdisappearing to my whole apartment disappearing.
0m
135mAnd theres
12C
135mno way shell just randomly swing by to check the roof for
12C
135mmattresses.
0m
1mAir conditioner dudes:
35mNot schedueled to be there until tomorrow.
24C
135m
1mOTHER FACTORS:
0m
135m Its not like people on the street could see it up there. Even if
they could scale up the fire escape and then drag the soggy mess back
down, thats something you would eventually hear about. ON THE NEWS.
0m
135mAnd lets rule out any type of acts of nature such as: the wind.
0m
135m Look, whoever those people are who study wind, it doesnt take one of
0m
135m them to tell you that theres no possibility the wind blew that
0m
135m sanity absorbing futon mattress off the roof.
0m
135m
035mShout-out to that cow from the movie Twister: Starring Bill Paxton and
37m
135m
035mHelen Hunt.
1m
0m
135mSo Im askin ya, WHERE and HOW? Angel Touching? Does the city have some
type off
0m
135mhelicopter patrol that flys around looking for mattress on roof-
tops? Parkour cleptomaniacs?
0m
135mIts the fourth floor. Its also a high-profile intersection. So
0m
135mlets
pretend it DID go off the roof. It wouldnt get very far. Its pretty much
a straight shot down to the street. Down on that street are hordes
of people and cars. This is something that gets back to ya. It never got
back to me.
0m
135mI was only gone six hours.
0m
135mI witnessed an event that defied logistics of a normal reality.
0m
135m/You/
37m Oh, man, Filth and his hilarious stories.
0m
1mHahahaha!
35m /Me/
37mMotherfucker, this isnt a story. Its an Unsolved Mystery.
0m
135mTheres no other way to look at it.
0m
135mTry it. Look into yourself and ask What if that were me?
0m
135m/You/
36m*eternal chills*
0m
1mNo!! Make it stop, dude!!
0m
135m/Me/
37mIt never goes away.
39C
35mX
37m
70C
30m
34m
37m
34m
37m
65C
34m
31m
34m
37m
34m
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34m
SAUCE00 20180201
IBM VGA
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36m
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4030m
130m
36m
47m
4030m
28C
1mWOAH: An Unsolved Mystery
15C
136mIn the summer of 2006, my life changed forever.
18C
136mThese are the true events that transpired:
13C
35m add google maps link in post-production. ahahahaha.
37m
36C
1mACT i
0m
135mIn 2005 lived on the 4th floor of a 4 story building. Its at the
intersection of 18th and E. Carson street in the South Side neighborhood
of Pittsburgh, PA.
Living on the top floor of the building was sweet because that meant you
could get on the roof. And since I lived in a festive neighborhood, it was
a great view.
0m
135mThis was also the 24-year old version of me. I was at that age where it
was romantic to DRAG a futon mattress up the fire escape and placed on the
dirty rooftop for me and my girlfriend to sleep on. But we didnt really
sleep, if you know what I mean. AMIRITE?
0m
135mActually, we slept for a pretty long time. I point that out to stress the
beginning of the second act.
36C
1mACT ii
0m
135mLemme ask ya: You ever wrap plastic wrap around your arms, legs and face
and get into a tanning bed for a few hours? I never have, but thats the
best frame of mind I can setup to explain the feeling of waking up under
a blistering hot summer sun in the A.M. Also: If I had to describe the
0m
135mshade of black this futon mattress was: Light-Absorbent Black.
33m
35mIt was like waking up on the
37m
33msun
35m.
0m
135m
37mFuck ALL of that.
35m Was my inital response as to bringing the futon mattress
back down the fire escape and into the apartment.
0m
135mFor concerns of my health
0m
135mthat came from this burning sun, I felt it was best to wait until I got home
from work later. My skin was starting to make me look like some sort of
deranged college football fan with half my body a different color
than it should humanly be.
0m
135mI gave that burning charred coal of a futon mattress the peace out sign.
No problem, no one is going up there in the span of time it takes me to
go through the wheels of work.
37m EASY PLAN: Go to work.
13C
1mAct busy for a few hours.
12C
1m Come home to mattress.
0m
135mIT SEEMED LOGICAL. Theres absolutely no fuckin reason anyone would go
up there. And fuck it, if my roomate somehow knows about it I can just
give him that look, like:
37mYo, man, I got lucky up there. THIS IS JUST
ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU GOTTA LET HAPPEN
35m.
0m
135mThis was no problem to deal
with once I get home.
18C
134m
35mIt starte
36md raining w
35mhen I got to work.
0m
135mIt rained pretty much the whole time I was AT work. And stopped when I got
out. Now, this is a fucking scenario I never saw happening.
Im not too sure what that mattress was stuffed with. Feathers, cotton,
old futon mattress shreddings. *chills* Whatever it was filled with, I
imagined it sitting on my roof absorbing every drop of water. I pictured
it sitting on my roof and slowly absorbing ALL the water on the roof. I
evisioned this airel shot of all the moisture slowing ebbing towards
0m
135mmattress and leaving the rest of the roof dry.
0m
135mOnce again, strictly concerning my health, I wasnt about to attempt this
futon mattress heist. That enormous sponge probably quadrupilled its mass.
Itd probably look like I was draging dead body off the roof. The only safe
0m
135m thing to do is just wait a few days and let that flesh-melting sun dry it
out. THEN Ill get it.
0m
135mI get home. My roomate informs me that the landlord called and two guys
are coming over in a few days to change the A/C vents. He also tells me
that we have to let them through the apartment because they have to get
on the ROOF. Fortunately, he was on his way out and I could finally take
care of this now agonizing focal point of my life that I dont need.
1mATMOSPHERIC MUSIC: The sound of one piano key being played over
28C
1mand over...
35m It fucking vanished. The surreal horrors that started to engluf me were
set off by the fact that there is now a void in my memory of where that
mattress was supposed to be.
36C
1mACT iii
35m Before you start going, Geeze man, calm down. The guests are leaving...
0m
135mlet me catch you up to speed with the cast of people who could get up
there.
37mRoomate:
35m No chance at all. He wasnt too keen of people going on the roof
11C
135mat all.
0m
135mHe wasnt all that keen on being up there himself.
0m
1mGirlfriend:
35mIm way too classy to let a girlfriend drag a soggy futon
12C
135mmattress off my roof and down the fire escape.
37m3rd floor neighbor:
35m Single mom with her elementary-aged son? Illogical.
35m
1mMom
035m Hey, son! Lets climb the fire escape and look for mattresses
37m
14C
35mon the roof that we can drag all the way back down here.
37m
14C
35mFor no reason.
1m
37mLandlord:
35mOh, absolutely not. I would have gone from my mattress
12C
135mdisappearing to my whole apartment disappearing.
0m
135mAnd theres
12C
135mno way shell just randomly swing by to check the roof for
12C
135mmattresses.
0m
1mAir conditioner dudes:
35mNot schedueled to be there until tomorrow.
24C
135m
1mOTHER FACTORS:
0m
135m Its not like people on the street could see it up there. Even if
they could scale up the fire escape and then drag the soggy mess back
down, thats something you would eventually hear about. ON THE NEWS.
0m
135mAnd lets rule out any type of acts of nature such as: the wind.
0m
135m Look, whoever those people are who study wind, it doesnt take one of
0m
135m them to tell you that theres no possibility the wind blew that
0m
135m sanity absorbing futon mattress off the roof.
0m
135m
035mShout-out to that cow from the movie Twister: Starring Bill Paxton and
37m
135m
035mHelen Hunt.
1m
0m
135mSo Im askin ya, WHERE and HOW? Angel Touching? Does the city have some
type off
0m
135mhelicopter patrol that flys around looking for mattress on roof-
tops? Parkour cleptomaniacs?
0m
135mIts the fourth floor. Its also a high-profile intersection. So
0m
135mlets
pretend it DID go off the roof. It wouldnt get very far. Its pretty much
a straight shot down to the street. Down on that street are hordes
of people and cars. This is something that gets back to ya. It never got
back to me.
0m
135mI was only gone six hours.
0m
135mI witnessed an event that defied logistics of a normal reality.
0m
135m/You/
37m Oh, man, Filth and his hilarious stories.
0m
1mHahahaha!
35m /Me/
37mMotherfucker, this isnt a story. Its an Unsolved Mystery.
0m
135mTheres no other way to look at it.
0m
135mTry it. Look into yourself and ask What if that were me?
0m
135m/You/
36m*eternal chills*
0m
1mNo!! Make it stop, dude!!
0m
135m/Me/
37mIt never goes away.
39C
35mX
37m
70C
30m
34m
37m
34m
37m
65C
34m
31m
34m
37m
34m
37m
65C
34m
37m
34m
37m
70C
34m
14437m
40m
44m
034m
37m
70C
34m
37m
70C
34m
4430mb 0 0 !
4034m
37m
70C
34m
SAUCE00 20180201
IBM VGA
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