,...Hello operator, gimme numba 9, and if you disconnect me Ill...,
by Mutter
muahahaha... you thought youd never see me again!! well you
were DEAD-FUCKIN-WRONG. Yah, you heard me, bitch.
anywaze...
welcome to yet another issue of the official zine of homeless men,
age 30 to 35: y0lk.
For those of you who didnt get it and who really does? the title
of this issue was taken from an old rhyme that I remember kids used to
say starts off with Miss Lucy had a steamboat. The steamboat had a
bell. The steamboat went to heaven and Miss Lucy went to... hell-o
operator, gimme... getit?. Whomever is the first to correctly complete
the rest of the titles line will have the next y0lk I write dedicated to
them if I ever make another, that is: Send all contest entries to:
mutter mutter@magsystems.erebus.com
w0w, I just made a contest...I feel so...important
*deep breath*
A lot has happened to me since I wrote my first y0lk. I mean, I never
thought that rambling on for roughly two to three pages could have such
an impact on my life. I am now instantly recognized on the street dont
ask me how...I guess I just look like a mutter. I have young women always
around now telling me how theyd do *ANYTHING* for an autographed picture.
I even have had offers for provocative TV roles such as:
Jimmy, the brown power ranger!@ When hes not reading y0lk or kickin
the nerdy rangers ass jimmy likes to spend quality time with his
personal love slave, the pink ranger! woo.
Heres another way my life has changed. The following is the transcript
of a call I made this afternoon:
Me- pressin the 0 key which is actually marked as 189 on my phone but
thats a different story involving santa, squirt cheese, and my
intense hatred of cats. Lets not get into it...
operat0r- Bell Atlantic, operator 6012, how may I help you?
Me- Yes, hi. umm...Im trying to call a 900 psychic hotline. Ya know
the ones. Where you can learn about love, money, spam, fluff,
you name it. They know it all!! Cause theyve been blessed
with the gift.
operat0r- yes, sir. Now how can I help you?
Me- Well, it seems every time I try to make a call to the hotline
the dangdest thing keeps happening. I keep gettin billed for
the call.
operat0r- well, sir if youre calling a 900 number youre supposed to
get billed. Thats how the people who own the number and the
telephone company make their money.
Me- OH! no, you dont understand, you feeble minded creature, you.
*I* write for y0lk.
operat0r- ohmigodohmigodohmigod
Me- calm down. Its okay. Im mutter.
operat0r- OHMIGODOHMIGOD...Im so so sorry, sir. I had NO idea. Im a
really big fan. All of us operators read y0lk religiously, ya know.
Hold on one sec and let me clear up this little billing problem.
tap tap tap tap tap
Okay, sir. Your line is now excempt from any and all charges.
Just to let ya know, me and my husband, Fred, like screaming
midgets too!@
Me- *sigh* sure you do.
operat0r- Is there anything else I can do for you?
Me- Umm...yea, have phorces phone line disconnected.
operat0r- tap tap tap done, and done.
Me- tee hee.
------------------End o Transcript-------------------------------------------
Isnt that something? Kinda takes the joy outta being a telecom d00d,
but hey, who ever said life was easy? well, probably a few gravely
mistaken people but...
Bobby! Open up this door right now! BOBBY!
In a second, mom!
What are you doing in there! THATS IT! SLAM
I SAID A SECOND!@
What are you trying to shove under that mattress?! Playboys?!@
Go away!
N0!@ ... What the -- GASP! y0lk!@
Im sorry, mom SOB
--------- STOP RIGHT THERE! ------------------------------------------------
What?
huh?
--------- Did you know that 9 out of 10 people who read y0lk as -----
--------- children grow up to be rich and successful fun lovin adults?-----
No, I didnt know that.
--------- Its true. sure, if you read to your kid at an extremely -----
--------- early age they might become faster learners, but if you read -----
--------- them *y0lk* they will become fuckin d00gie houser-brained -----
--------- creative thinkers that are prepared for the fast paced, -----
--------- techno-savvy world of tomorrow... -----
I never knew that. mother reluctantly puts y0lk back into
bobbys hands
--------- there ya go! encourage your kids to read y0lk! Even the -----
--------- really crude parts! Make them memorize it and repeat it back -----
--------- to you before they go to bed. Lets take a look at a few -----
--------- y0lk readers whom you just might recognize... -----
I read y0lk to get psyched before every fight scene. -- Steven Segal
I revolutionized radio but y0lk is truly the king of all zines!
-- Shock-jock Howard Stern
I sometimes describe Brain Candy as just one long, visual y0lk.
-- Mark McKinney, Kids in the hall
--------- right on, guys!@ Now lets hear from a few people who never -----
--------- read a y0lk in their lives! -----
We suck because we werent read y0lk as youngsters.
-- Ross Perot, that guy from friends, and The Unabomber, all in unison.
--------- too bad. Its too late for them...but not for you! -----
mother, reading from the pages of the latest y0lk to a now happy bobby
Thank you, y0lk!
and youre certainly welcome. wow. this was a hectic issue. Oh well...
how to rap it up...how to rap it up...
I GOT IT! Well end this issue with another phone call to the
operator.
mutter with an idiotic smile on his face I like operators...
me- pressing the 0 key
ring
ring
operat0r- Fuck y0 mama!
Me- scuse me?
operat0r- ...
Me- Fuck WHOs mother?
click
--a head samurai note-------------------------------------------------------
wow. another ish by mutter. how k-rad. a note to readers: the above
operator-conversation *actually did happen*. mut got cursed off by a random
operator. eleet, huh?
some gnuz: y0lkbot is now y0lkb0t. i think the irc ops do
/who *bot* or something. hmph.
i really love doing unnecessary samurai notes. thank you, y0lk, for
this oppurtunity.
--ind3x---------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
TT
--infoez---------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz hes just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
email mutter at mutter@erebus.magsystems.com.
by Mutter
muahahaha... you thought youd never see me again!! well you
were DEAD-FUCKIN-WRONG. Yah, you heard me, bitch.
anywaze...
welcome to yet another issue of the official zine of homeless men,
age 30 to 35: y0lk.
For those of you who didnt get it and who really does? the title
of this issue was taken from an old rhyme that I remember kids used to
say starts off with Miss Lucy had a steamboat. The steamboat had a
bell. The steamboat went to heaven and Miss Lucy went to... hell-o
operator, gimme... getit?. Whomever is the first to correctly complete
the rest of the titles line will have the next y0lk I write dedicated to
them if I ever make another, that is: Send all contest entries to:
mutter mutter@magsystems.erebus.com
w0w, I just made a contest...I feel so...important
*deep breath*
A lot has happened to me since I wrote my first y0lk. I mean, I never
thought that rambling on for roughly two to three pages could have such
an impact on my life. I am now instantly recognized on the street dont
ask me how...I guess I just look like a mutter. I have young women always
around now telling me how theyd do *ANYTHING* for an autographed picture.
I even have had offers for provocative TV roles such as:
Jimmy, the brown power ranger!@ When hes not reading y0lk or kickin
the nerdy rangers ass jimmy likes to spend quality time with his
personal love slave, the pink ranger! woo.
Heres another way my life has changed. The following is the transcript
of a call I made this afternoon:
Me- pressin the 0 key which is actually marked as 189 on my phone but
thats a different story involving santa, squirt cheese, and my
intense hatred of cats. Lets not get into it...
operat0r- Bell Atlantic, operator 6012, how may I help you?
Me- Yes, hi. umm...Im trying to call a 900 psychic hotline. Ya know
the ones. Where you can learn about love, money, spam, fluff,
you name it. They know it all!! Cause theyve been blessed
with the gift.
operat0r- yes, sir. Now how can I help you?
Me- Well, it seems every time I try to make a call to the hotline
the dangdest thing keeps happening. I keep gettin billed for
the call.
operat0r- well, sir if youre calling a 900 number youre supposed to
get billed. Thats how the people who own the number and the
telephone company make their money.
Me- OH! no, you dont understand, you feeble minded creature, you.
*I* write for y0lk.
operat0r- ohmigodohmigodohmigod
Me- calm down. Its okay. Im mutter.
operat0r- OHMIGODOHMIGOD...Im so so sorry, sir. I had NO idea. Im a
really big fan. All of us operators read y0lk religiously, ya know.
Hold on one sec and let me clear up this little billing problem.
tap tap tap tap tap
Okay, sir. Your line is now excempt from any and all charges.
Just to let ya know, me and my husband, Fred, like screaming
midgets too!@
Me- *sigh* sure you do.
operat0r- Is there anything else I can do for you?
Me- Umm...yea, have phorces phone line disconnected.
operat0r- tap tap tap done, and done.
Me- tee hee.
------------------End o Transcript-------------------------------------------
Isnt that something? Kinda takes the joy outta being a telecom d00d,
but hey, who ever said life was easy? well, probably a few gravely
mistaken people but...
Bobby! Open up this door right now! BOBBY!
In a second, mom!
What are you doing in there! THATS IT! SLAM
I SAID A SECOND!@
What are you trying to shove under that mattress?! Playboys?!@
Go away!
N0!@ ... What the -- GASP! y0lk!@
Im sorry, mom SOB
--------- STOP RIGHT THERE! ------------------------------------------------
What?
huh?
--------- Did you know that 9 out of 10 people who read y0lk as -----
--------- children grow up to be rich and successful fun lovin adults?-----
No, I didnt know that.
--------- Its true. sure, if you read to your kid at an extremely -----
--------- early age they might become faster learners, but if you read -----
--------- them *y0lk* they will become fuckin d00gie houser-brained -----
--------- creative thinkers that are prepared for the fast paced, -----
--------- techno-savvy world of tomorrow... -----
I never knew that. mother reluctantly puts y0lk back into
bobbys hands
--------- there ya go! encourage your kids to read y0lk! Even the -----
--------- really crude parts! Make them memorize it and repeat it back -----
--------- to you before they go to bed. Lets take a look at a few -----
--------- y0lk readers whom you just might recognize... -----
I read y0lk to get psyched before every fight scene. -- Steven Segal
I revolutionized radio but y0lk is truly the king of all zines!
-- Shock-jock Howard Stern
I sometimes describe Brain Candy as just one long, visual y0lk.
-- Mark McKinney, Kids in the hall
--------- right on, guys!@ Now lets hear from a few people who never -----
--------- read a y0lk in their lives! -----
We suck because we werent read y0lk as youngsters.
-- Ross Perot, that guy from friends, and The Unabomber, all in unison.
--------- too bad. Its too late for them...but not for you! -----
mother, reading from the pages of the latest y0lk to a now happy bobby
Thank you, y0lk!
and youre certainly welcome. wow. this was a hectic issue. Oh well...
how to rap it up...how to rap it up...
I GOT IT! Well end this issue with another phone call to the
operator.
mutter with an idiotic smile on his face I like operators...
me- pressing the 0 key
ring
ring
operat0r- Fuck y0 mama!
Me- scuse me?
operat0r- ...
Me- Fuck WHOs mother?
click
--a head samurai note-------------------------------------------------------
wow. another ish by mutter. how k-rad. a note to readers: the above
operator-conversation *actually did happen*. mut got cursed off by a random
operator. eleet, huh?
some gnuz: y0lkbot is now y0lkb0t. i think the irc ops do
/who *bot* or something. hmph.
i really love doing unnecessary samurai notes. thank you, y0lk, for
this oppurtunity.
--ind3x---------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
TT
--infoez---------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz hes just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
email mutter at mutter@erebus.magsystems.com.
log in to add a comment.