--trying to make this look like a y0lk-formatted thing---------------------
the ewok rant
by - taraxis
theres been a lot of yapping amongst movie buffs about the upcoming
star wars movies. most people think they will be incredible movies since
the original three were, but i have doubts. why? because return of the
jedi ended on a flop for two reasons : luke skywalker the damn ewoks.
ill save pretty farm boy for another article, but its time for the cute
little furry endorians to phear@!
in case anyone has missed this movie, it ends like this. the rebel
alliance launches a massive assault on the death star, a fierce new
battlestation built by the empire, an evil, dictatorial regime. in order to
fly into the death star destroy it, the rebels need to detonate the shield
generator protecting it on a near-by moon. there they meet the ewoks, a
cute little tribe of munchkins who help them accomplish this. the ewoks
the rebels win blow the generator, the rebels go on to win the movie
deal a crushing blow to the empire.
lucas co. messed up big time with the ewoks. they suck big time,
i can tell you why. first of all, they are cute. cute things suck, like
ex-girlfriends. racoons are cute, but theyll bite your finger off. ouch!
second, can you imagine the stink that would eminate from an entire tribe of
furry woodl creatures? *ugh* yet princess leia never complained at all.
maybe alderaans have no sense of smell, or maybe princess leia smelled just
as terrible. no where in any of the three movies were any of the characters
shown taking showers, except luke after he was found half-dead in the show
stuck in an animal, but his bath was only for medical reasons.
the most glaring problem though is toward the end of rotj. perhaps
this stupidity can be best shown by the following :
ewoks the empire on endor
number: a tribe. a few legions.
size: a couple feet. man-sized.
armor: fur. high-tech lightweight
battle armor.
weapons: arrows, rocks. high-precision laser
rifles.
training: archery rock throwing. years of elite training.
additional
equipment: a few logs. a few at-sts, spitting
hot blasts of firey
death.
greatest
achievement: a nice village with a great a shield generator
system of ladders bridged. capable of protecting an
object 160 miles in dia-
meter the death star.
obviously, the empire should have totally dominated the ewoks. but
no! the lameness here should not even have to be explained. but ill do it
anyway with a few points.
1 arrows cant go through battle armor.
2 the force with which an ewok can chuck a rock is minimal to
begin with.
3 tossed stones can not penetrate battle armor.
the death star brings up another issue : fallout!*! the thing
blew up. it is silly to think that the entire 160-mile diameter sphere
disintegrated into miniscule pieces that would burn up in the atmosphere.
what about radiation? the thing had a huge fusion reactor. doesnt that
count for anything? the entire planet should have been reduced to either
ash or a barren landscape. it is not unreasonable to think that at least a
50-mile wide cube of the death star would survive crash to the surface.
it would not be going that fast, but it wouldnt need to. the last thing
any surviving imperials on the station would see as they hit the ground
would be a smiling, rejoicing ewok, because it was built right above their
village.
if they make any movies that take place after return of the jedi, i
hope that they first redo the ending to it. ewoks - lose! rebel
alliance - lose! that little punk-ass skywalker should die too, along with
his furry companions. what a dumb ending to the greatest movies of all
time.
--index-------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
70 i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. traq
71 battle of the ants rage
72 fun on the phone ideal
73 yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries.. handle
74 i love you as my own mother sphrog
75 jamesy and the giant slinky jamesy
76 do not fuck with the big and hairy bears murmur
77 horror story oeb
78 dat wh0re s.sheep
79 the ewok rant taraxis
TT
--infoez--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz hes just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet. type @y0lk number for y0lks.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
dont you feel like youre getting a little too much information here?
couldnt we just show our ftp site and shut up? its just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
the ewok rant
by - taraxis
theres been a lot of yapping amongst movie buffs about the upcoming
star wars movies. most people think they will be incredible movies since
the original three were, but i have doubts. why? because return of the
jedi ended on a flop for two reasons : luke skywalker the damn ewoks.
ill save pretty farm boy for another article, but its time for the cute
little furry endorians to phear@!
in case anyone has missed this movie, it ends like this. the rebel
alliance launches a massive assault on the death star, a fierce new
battlestation built by the empire, an evil, dictatorial regime. in order to
fly into the death star destroy it, the rebels need to detonate the shield
generator protecting it on a near-by moon. there they meet the ewoks, a
cute little tribe of munchkins who help them accomplish this. the ewoks
the rebels win blow the generator, the rebels go on to win the movie
deal a crushing blow to the empire.
lucas co. messed up big time with the ewoks. they suck big time,
i can tell you why. first of all, they are cute. cute things suck, like
ex-girlfriends. racoons are cute, but theyll bite your finger off. ouch!
second, can you imagine the stink that would eminate from an entire tribe of
furry woodl creatures? *ugh* yet princess leia never complained at all.
maybe alderaans have no sense of smell, or maybe princess leia smelled just
as terrible. no where in any of the three movies were any of the characters
shown taking showers, except luke after he was found half-dead in the show
stuck in an animal, but his bath was only for medical reasons.
the most glaring problem though is toward the end of rotj. perhaps
this stupidity can be best shown by the following :
ewoks the empire on endor
number: a tribe. a few legions.
size: a couple feet. man-sized.
armor: fur. high-tech lightweight
battle armor.
weapons: arrows, rocks. high-precision laser
rifles.
training: archery rock throwing. years of elite training.
additional
equipment: a few logs. a few at-sts, spitting
hot blasts of firey
death.
greatest
achievement: a nice village with a great a shield generator
system of ladders bridged. capable of protecting an
object 160 miles in dia-
meter the death star.
obviously, the empire should have totally dominated the ewoks. but
no! the lameness here should not even have to be explained. but ill do it
anyway with a few points.
1 arrows cant go through battle armor.
2 the force with which an ewok can chuck a rock is minimal to
begin with.
3 tossed stones can not penetrate battle armor.
the death star brings up another issue : fallout!*! the thing
blew up. it is silly to think that the entire 160-mile diameter sphere
disintegrated into miniscule pieces that would burn up in the atmosphere.
what about radiation? the thing had a huge fusion reactor. doesnt that
count for anything? the entire planet should have been reduced to either
ash or a barren landscape. it is not unreasonable to think that at least a
50-mile wide cube of the death star would survive crash to the surface.
it would not be going that fast, but it wouldnt need to. the last thing
any surviving imperials on the station would see as they hit the ground
would be a smiling, rejoicing ewok, because it was built right above their
village.
if they make any movies that take place after return of the jedi, i
hope that they first redo the ending to it. ewoks - lose! rebel
alliance - lose! that little punk-ass skywalker should die too, along with
his furry companions. what a dumb ending to the greatest movies of all
time.
--index-------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
70 i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. traq
71 battle of the ants rage
72 fun on the phone ideal
73 yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries.. handle
74 i love you as my own mother sphrog
75 jamesy and the giant slinky jamesy
76 do not fuck with the big and hairy bears murmur
77 horror story oeb
78 dat wh0re s.sheep
79 the ewok rant taraxis
TT
--infoez--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz hes just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet. type @y0lk number for y0lks.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
dont you feel like youre getting a little too much information here?
couldnt we just show our ftp site and shut up? its just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
log in to add a comment.