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488888887 000*. /888888888888888888888
rko. l888888 0000000000000000000000 *888888888888888888
EUTOW ISSUE 0001. by Neil Behrendt.
welcome!
eutow is a song by autechre. its also my latest attempt at a zine,
i guess. this issues a little light, but its start. ive been doing some
other stuff, writing music and drawing again, so i just slapped together all
the stuff that i had lying around on my hard drive. if i feel like it, ill
throw in one or two of my old plays that im never going to get done.
enjoy!
neil
a reading response about tropical fish, by neil
I read a book about tropical fish. It was called Tropical Fish. I
liked looking at the pictures of tropical fish, because they were fish and I
thought they looked neat. I have fish at my home I dont know if they are
tropical fish or not tropical fish. My mom bought them by the scoopful, so I
dont think they are tropical fish, but they might be. Whos to say?
One time, we had this fat fish and we werent sure why it kept getting
fatter. Then we realised it was eating the other fish. My brother started to
cry. Then we got a lobster, and it ate part of the dead fishes. Then the fat
fish killed it and ate it.
Then it hopped out of the aquarium and my dog licked it and it died
In short, Tropical Fish is a book about tropical fish. Do you like
tropical fish? I do.
This ends my response to the book Tropical Fish. I think it was
written by a tropical fish expert. Or a tropical fish. Again, whos to say?
The government might, but thats none of my business.
just so you know, i handed this in for marks.
locusts are the prissyboys tool of apocalypse - by neil
Yes folks, millenium fever is upon us. Isnt it shitty?
I know youre concerned about the millenium bug, and looting, and the
world coming to an end on December 31, 2000 or 2001, which ever way butters
your pretentious ass bread. But for a moment, fuck that. There are real, REAL
concerns about the decades ahead. Check it.
A Chilean ecological group warned residents
living around Santiago that 60 cm-long mutant
rats have attacked barnyard animals in a suburb
of the capital. Mauricio Barraza, president of
the Ecological Council of Maipu, said he believes
that the rodents have grown to be so large
because they fed on the droppings of hormone
fattened poultry...
Just THINK about that. Because rats in a piss poor country eat
chicken shit, they become super rats. Thats a blueprint for world catastrophe
right there. The components of destruction are right in this informartive
tidbit of information, and if I can see it, believe me, anyone can. Yes,
your name here, with your rat armada, you can take control of your
neighborhood, or you rcity, or the world!
And crabs... dont even get me started on crabs. Christmas Island, of
the Australian coast, is overtaken with somewhere in the range of 20 million
crabs come to an inhabited island to breed. Think about how easy it would be
to take the crabs and have some good clean American fun with them. Crabs are
resilent, and moreover, theyre smarter than you. The would find a way to take
your hood.
Whats next? Killer bees? Land lobsters? Watch your back, kid. Or a
crabll eat it.
naet - by neil
Naet. Naet.
While misspelling Neat is a lot of fun, Id like to tell you a story,
about a boy and his ritalin, and how his brother stole them and popped them
like candy. My youngest brother has a condition known as ADHD attention
deficit hyperactivity disorder. Its kind of funny, that after several years
of guessing that my brother is crazy, it turns out to be true! Hes a sucka,
anyway. Piss on my brother, lets get back to me.
One boring morning, probably in January or so, I was running late to
school, and my house was empty. It then crossed my mind that, hey, my brother
has pharmaceuticals lying around that Ive had yet to sample. Im going to be
one of those guys who gets addicted to cough syrup, I can tell. So, I thought
what harm could it do? I popped two, and went on my way. They didnt
actually kick in till during lunch, when I was doing a lot of running around,
trying to kung fu fight with people. I was fully aware of what was going on,
but my drive to do the things I thought about doing was greatly increased. I
told a few people why I was so hyper, and they all sort of went Oh. You
stupid, fucka.
I mean, I wish they had said that. Words to that effect. Eh.
The next time I took them was before a presentation in English class.
Seeing as they were childs dosage, I took four. I was really enthusiastic
about doing the presentation, which is kinda funny cause I dread public
speaking. I have a nasty habit of choking during them ie forgetting what
Im talking about, going into a cold sweat, having a nervous breakdown in
class, that sort of thing . So I figured, it was a fun... with a purpose!
sort of scenario. We were all ready to present, when the fire alarm went off.
Now, I dont know how much it takes to completely distract someone who suffers
ADHD, but a big distraction like that just threw me off. I went completely
nuts, and started repeating parts of my speech over, talking about how Id get
to a conclusion I never did. the effect of the ritalin wore off just as the
presentation ended.
The third, and by far most interesting time, was during a depressing
April weekend. I sat at home, and was forced to clean my room. Again, I took
four, because my brother had just gotten a new issuing of pills, or something
like that. I started really thoroughly cleaning everything, the dust off my
cd case, much more than Id planned to do. I came across a selection of old
clothes. I knew things werent right then I said aloud, to nobody in
particular: Hey, I could probably give these to the homeless! Then, the
comedown. And what a comedown it was! I did a wicked 180, got the chills,
and locked myself in my room, which is kind of impossible seeing as the door
has no knob, and sat on my bed in a fetal postion, waiting to be amused by
TV. It was a really uncanny sensation, somewhere between a confused
bewilderment which is nothing new and a gut-wrenching terror, like after
youve just been caught, I dont know, killing someone, or something.
I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If you would like some
suggestions on what that lesson is, please send 5 dollars to the following
address.
23 South Woodrow Blvd.
Scarborough, Ontario
M1N 3L5
Pack it in bubble wrap, or inside a letter, cause the mailman will
take your five bucks and give you no insight whatsoever if youre not
careful.
good jokes! by neil
i pride myself on being a master sotryteller, and inclusive with this
is some dexterity in the realm of the knock-knock joke. you know, the
knock knock
whos there?
blank!
blank who?
blank hillarious pun!
ho ho ho! youre a funny guy, name
thanks, you old underwear stainer!
you know, something like that. however, what ive been working on, is
whittling the joke down into a more compact form. for example
knock knock
whos there?
blank!
you see? its easy! all you have to do is plug in something so funny
into the blank that the rest of the joke is filler. however, it helps if you
have props. for example, i wrote a classic joke, that you can feel free to
copy for entertainment or educational purposes.
ingredients
10 rubber snakes
a bag to hold rubber snakes
a brain to remember knock-knock exchange
there are two ways to tell this joke, though the dialogue is the same.
knock knock
whos there
at this point, the joke splits. you can take your rubber snakes you
have with you, throw them at the person, yell SNAKES! and run as fast as you
can away. or, if youre more of the subtle type, you direct the person closer,
slowly open up the bag and say in your most creepy voice snakes. its all
basically about the humour you like, so have fun with it, and write me and
tell me what jokes you thought up.
a selection of poems by neil
warpus is one of my favorite zine writers, ever. so, in my own way, id like
to pay tribute to his excellent zine which im not sure if its still going
warpzine, through a little bit of poetry.
pro wrestling is
natures way of picking sides:
success and failure
hey, tony danza!
hows your career doing
after whos the boss?
you know that guy who
sits beside me in mod west?
hell never have sex.
SNL host colin
quinn thinks one day orange juice
may soon cost eight bucks
hey, you, simpleton!
buy my stuff, or i will give
you epilepsy!
CAROL RODRIQUEZ SUCKS DICK. AND HELMUT WENZLAFF IS A PORN FREAK. by neil
When I started taking long, introspective walks about a six months
ago, I hadnt even thought about the possible fringe benefits that go along
with them. Fitness is one, mental focus and clarity another. But man, the
cool shit you can find, especially in suburbia. Its grand. Cool telecom
plaques that tell you not to dig because of buried phone cable, loose change,
swanky clothing mostly in the singular, like a shoe, a sock, a mitten, and
if you do luck out, a million billion used condoms! None of that matters,
though. Well, the swanky clothes, but only cause theyre free. No, the best
stuff to find is, by far, loose papers and receipts. Gay as it might sound,
they really do tell wicked stories. Let me fill you in.
One day, while strolling home, I came across a Sears account statement
lying near the intersection of Birchmount Rd. and Danforth Ave. It belonged to
Carol Rodriquez, who strangely enough lives in Ottawa. Apt 503, 2035 Othello
Ave, postal code K1G 3P6. That seemed kind of neat, like it was well
travelled. While kind of wondering how it got there, I also came across the
fact that this woman owed nearly a thousand dollars of overdue payments, that
needed to be paid immediately.
I realised - shit, thats a paycheck. I guessed that this probably
wasnt a terribly wealthy woman, so thats like a paycheck away from being
tossed out of your apartment, potentially. I posess a statement of someones
financial shortcomings! I found it about six weeks after the billing date
April 28, 1998 so it could, in theory, be possible that this womans could
be sucking dick on a street corner to make ends meet! I am blown away by
that. Its a kind of rare case thing to find, but its like twice as good as
a movie if you think about it.
Hell, if you have the time or the inclination, you could even track
down these people and find out about them or their lives. You could keep a
file on them, and so long as youre careful its probably not stalking! And
the neat thing about it is that its just lying around. Youre not breaking
any laws like opening someones mail or something. Youre just peering into
someones life, because theyve in a way let you. For example, less than a
week ago I found a receipt for a video store. It was from two days before
Christmas of 1997.
Helmut Wenzlaff 416-699-3906, went into Electronic Sight Sound
and rented a copy of Men in Black, and another movie called Ben Dovers
London Calling. Now, I may be off the mark here, but that sounds like it
might be a porno movie. So, I let my imagination run wild. This guy is
a porn freak, because nobody in the world casually dabbles in pornography,
and if you tell me that you do, youre a damn liar. But, what if this guy
has a wife, and a family? What if they found out that Helmut was a porn
freak? Hey, maybe they already know. But what if they dont?
What if I call Helmut Wenzlaff and tell him that Im on to him? Or
tell his wife, or his kids? What if I look in the phonebook for his address
and mail him a photocopy of the receipt once a week?
There might be something fundamentally wrong with that, but I mean,
there you go. If this guy was careful enough, I wouldnt have found that. I
guess thats just something you can do. Sometimes, just words are enough to
set the gears in motion. Like an envelope from Cimco? that just says,
CHRIS GILL. Or a plain envelope that says in neat handwriting, Maxine for
Supplies. What supplies? You tell me.
And sometimes, youll just have your mind blown. The best piece in
my collection, even though I have a phone bill thats got to be like 20 years
old, is a simple piece of Apple Auto Glass notepad paper. And there is one
word on it.
Umbrella.
Thats far out.
an explanation-apology by neil
i figure that anyone whos read an issue of illbient previous would
probably be wondering where the serious content would be, because there was
some in illbient. truth be told, this is pretty vacuous. theres a bunch of
emotional problems that came to a head around the writing of this, and i
dont really feel the compulsion to open up to stragers, though sometimes it
is a lot easier than people you know.
im biting my tongue, a lot. i figure i could talk about the bad
relationship i got in, or seasonal depression, or being directionless, or
whatever you care to think of. I just did a stress test questionnaire, a
few days ago. the thing had a bunch of items with a number value assigned to
it, and you tabulated them up, and write down the total, and if it was 100 or
highter you could be prone to some sort of stress related health problem. i
dont particularly put much stock in it, but i got 290. it was a little
alarming, but im digressing somewhat.
all i can say, and i dont mean to sound after school special about
it, is that people wont reach out and help you unless you let people know
that you do indeed need help. i mean, you should also go to people whose job
it is to help my ex was in the same position as i am in now about a year ago,
and i was there for her, and now that the tables are turned shes left me high
and dry, but maybe shell get meningitis and things will work out. parents
are okay, but relatives are better. school people arent bas either.
i dont know what that, if anything, will accomplish. i guess its
just so you know. so, if the content seems trite or trying to be something its
not, theres a reason. my apologies, and i hope you still like the issue
regardless.
realisations - by neil
every once in a while, things hit me. like, who arent people ive pissed off,
because that number has gone down a lot in recent days. but seriously, heres
some stuff i was thinking about.
SWEATERS ARE SEXY.
im not sure why, but they are. someone just wearing a sweater seems a lot
more sexy to me than either being naked or whatever. Just sayin.
BERETS ARE GAY.
You know those stupid Canadian Olympic Berets? That should have started many
a nuclear incident. Those things are stupid. Youre asking for a smack if you
even thinkn about wearing one. Who the fuck do you thnk you are, Mr. French?
Jesus.
POP MUSIC IS TERRIBLE.
This should come as no surprise. However -
UNDERGROUND MUSIC IS NOT MUCH BETTER.
Most of my music is comprised of stuff that the average person hasnt heard of.
I used to pride myself on that, but now I realise I might just as well have
worn a beret - well, I didnt sink that low, but shit, a lot of that stuff is
really contrived. If you find music you like, dont tell anybody, because the
second anyone else finds out, it will be ruined.
BLACK THOUGHT IS A WICKED RAPPER, JAY-Z ISNT AS GOOD AS HE USED TO BE, DMX IS
NOT AS BAD AS PEOPLE WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE, AND THE HEIROGLYPHICS ARE THE
NICEST CREW IN RAP MUSIC.
I dont know what else to tell you, except I saw Heiro freestyling on rapcity,
and I wish I could write actual raps a quarter that good.
IF A GIRL SANG TO ME, I WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR HER.
A sappy, romantic notion? You bet! If it actually seriously happened to you,
would you do the same thing? You bet!
think about it.
bauhaus of the damned - by neil
some dialogue between me and my mom, about a month ago.
mom: neil?
me: yes?
mom: theres a bunch of apples scattered around the living room.
me: get out! youre kidding!
mom: no, really. pause did you have something to do with that?
me: actually, yes. me and ian my brother were having an apple party.
mom: oh. well, in future, clean up after youre done.
me: okay!
twenty minutes later, my mom finished cleaning, and sat down to watch
rosie odonnell. I sit down, eating an apple.
me: You know, taking a bite of the apple I was putting you on.
mom: pardon?
me: nobody touched the apples. nobody was having an apple party.
mom: oh.
me: do you even know what an apple party is?
mom: well...
me: cause i sure dont.
i get up, and go make some macaroni.
at my house, after coming home from playing darts with my dad.
dad: neil, if school was so important to you, youd be doing a better job.
me: youre right. im going to go play video games now.
on the phone with my ex girlfriend -
me: man, i need new brothers.
ex: what are you talking about? Ill be your brother! gruff voice hey,
lets wrestle!
in a car with my mom and ex girlfriend. i cant think of a more
uncomfortable situation, except face down in a riverbed.
mom: so, we went on the anniversary cruise, and nine months later, we had alex
my youngest brother
me: well, jeez, i think you missed an intermediate step in there.
my mom nearly crashed the car after i said that, and my ex was so
horrified, she didnt speak ot me for almost a day.
question period.
theres a girl who im friends with, right? and shes been in a couple of
things that ive written plays and we both got out of nasty relationships
recently. relationships on the rebound are rarely a good idea, but if were
both on the rebound, does that cancel the negative effects out, or double
them?
someone, help me out.
good movie ideas - by neil
i like movies, you could consider me a movie buff, so long as that
definition requires little to no actual knowledge of movies. here are some
of my good movie ideas -
Youve Got Snakes
Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, oh so good in Joe Versus the Volcano, star
in this hillarious yet heartfelt romantic comedy about the perils of snakes
and the internet. Through a series of accidents, Hanks and Ryan are snake
salespeople, in direct competition with each other. However, both are
embroiled in a steamy online romance! Sounds conventional, right? Wrong-o!
In a freak electrical storm, every computer in the city now has the power to
send binary encoded snakes through telecommunications lines! What was once a
love from afar is now a race against time to eliminate snakes and still have
time to be surprised by falling in love all over again! Expect thrills, chills
and the occasional spill, topped off with a heaping handful of love - and
snakes!
this idea was so good, im ending the issue right here.
thus concludes our broadcast day.
if youd like to submit something to a future issue of eutow, please
email it to dot@cybersolutions.net. thatd be all you need to know. thanks
for reading!
neil
aka emperor katozakro
000/ /88 888 0/ /88 888 ./88 00000/ /8888: 0/ /88 888
0/ /88888 /88 888 888 /88 888 /88 888
/888888888888 /88 888 /8/ /88 888 /88 . 888
888/ /88 888/88 888/88 888/88 .d8 888
888,.j888,.888888,.,888888,.,888888,.d87,888
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
!8888888888888888888888888 4888888888888 8888888888888888888888
488888887 000*. /888888888888888888888
rko. l888888 0000000000000000000000 *888888888888888888
EUTOW ISSUE 0001. by Neil Behrendt.
welcome!
eutow is a song by autechre. its also my latest attempt at a zine,
i guess. this issues a little light, but its start. ive been doing some
other stuff, writing music and drawing again, so i just slapped together all
the stuff that i had lying around on my hard drive. if i feel like it, ill
throw in one or two of my old plays that im never going to get done.
enjoy!
neil
a reading response about tropical fish, by neil
I read a book about tropical fish. It was called Tropical Fish. I
liked looking at the pictures of tropical fish, because they were fish and I
thought they looked neat. I have fish at my home I dont know if they are
tropical fish or not tropical fish. My mom bought them by the scoopful, so I
dont think they are tropical fish, but they might be. Whos to say?
One time, we had this fat fish and we werent sure why it kept getting
fatter. Then we realised it was eating the other fish. My brother started to
cry. Then we got a lobster, and it ate part of the dead fishes. Then the fat
fish killed it and ate it.
Then it hopped out of the aquarium and my dog licked it and it died
In short, Tropical Fish is a book about tropical fish. Do you like
tropical fish? I do.
This ends my response to the book Tropical Fish. I think it was
written by a tropical fish expert. Or a tropical fish. Again, whos to say?
The government might, but thats none of my business.
just so you know, i handed this in for marks.
locusts are the prissyboys tool of apocalypse - by neil
Yes folks, millenium fever is upon us. Isnt it shitty?
I know youre concerned about the millenium bug, and looting, and the
world coming to an end on December 31, 2000 or 2001, which ever way butters
your pretentious ass bread. But for a moment, fuck that. There are real, REAL
concerns about the decades ahead. Check it.
A Chilean ecological group warned residents
living around Santiago that 60 cm-long mutant
rats have attacked barnyard animals in a suburb
of the capital. Mauricio Barraza, president of
the Ecological Council of Maipu, said he believes
that the rodents have grown to be so large
because they fed on the droppings of hormone
fattened poultry...
Just THINK about that. Because rats in a piss poor country eat
chicken shit, they become super rats. Thats a blueprint for world catastrophe
right there. The components of destruction are right in this informartive
tidbit of information, and if I can see it, believe me, anyone can. Yes,
your name here, with your rat armada, you can take control of your
neighborhood, or you rcity, or the world!
And crabs... dont even get me started on crabs. Christmas Island, of
the Australian coast, is overtaken with somewhere in the range of 20 million
crabs come to an inhabited island to breed. Think about how easy it would be
to take the crabs and have some good clean American fun with them. Crabs are
resilent, and moreover, theyre smarter than you. The would find a way to take
your hood.
Whats next? Killer bees? Land lobsters? Watch your back, kid. Or a
crabll eat it.
naet - by neil
Naet. Naet.
While misspelling Neat is a lot of fun, Id like to tell you a story,
about a boy and his ritalin, and how his brother stole them and popped them
like candy. My youngest brother has a condition known as ADHD attention
deficit hyperactivity disorder. Its kind of funny, that after several years
of guessing that my brother is crazy, it turns out to be true! Hes a sucka,
anyway. Piss on my brother, lets get back to me.
One boring morning, probably in January or so, I was running late to
school, and my house was empty. It then crossed my mind that, hey, my brother
has pharmaceuticals lying around that Ive had yet to sample. Im going to be
one of those guys who gets addicted to cough syrup, I can tell. So, I thought
what harm could it do? I popped two, and went on my way. They didnt
actually kick in till during lunch, when I was doing a lot of running around,
trying to kung fu fight with people. I was fully aware of what was going on,
but my drive to do the things I thought about doing was greatly increased. I
told a few people why I was so hyper, and they all sort of went Oh. You
stupid, fucka.
I mean, I wish they had said that. Words to that effect. Eh.
The next time I took them was before a presentation in English class.
Seeing as they were childs dosage, I took four. I was really enthusiastic
about doing the presentation, which is kinda funny cause I dread public
speaking. I have a nasty habit of choking during them ie forgetting what
Im talking about, going into a cold sweat, having a nervous breakdown in
class, that sort of thing . So I figured, it was a fun... with a purpose!
sort of scenario. We were all ready to present, when the fire alarm went off.
Now, I dont know how much it takes to completely distract someone who suffers
ADHD, but a big distraction like that just threw me off. I went completely
nuts, and started repeating parts of my speech over, talking about how Id get
to a conclusion I never did. the effect of the ritalin wore off just as the
presentation ended.
The third, and by far most interesting time, was during a depressing
April weekend. I sat at home, and was forced to clean my room. Again, I took
four, because my brother had just gotten a new issuing of pills, or something
like that. I started really thoroughly cleaning everything, the dust off my
cd case, much more than Id planned to do. I came across a selection of old
clothes. I knew things werent right then I said aloud, to nobody in
particular: Hey, I could probably give these to the homeless! Then, the
comedown. And what a comedown it was! I did a wicked 180, got the chills,
and locked myself in my room, which is kind of impossible seeing as the door
has no knob, and sat on my bed in a fetal postion, waiting to be amused by
TV. It was a really uncanny sensation, somewhere between a confused
bewilderment which is nothing new and a gut-wrenching terror, like after
youve just been caught, I dont know, killing someone, or something.
I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If you would like some
suggestions on what that lesson is, please send 5 dollars to the following
address.
23 South Woodrow Blvd.
Scarborough, Ontario
M1N 3L5
Pack it in bubble wrap, or inside a letter, cause the mailman will
take your five bucks and give you no insight whatsoever if youre not
careful.
good jokes! by neil
i pride myself on being a master sotryteller, and inclusive with this
is some dexterity in the realm of the knock-knock joke. you know, the
knock knock
whos there?
blank!
blank who?
blank hillarious pun!
ho ho ho! youre a funny guy, name
thanks, you old underwear stainer!
you know, something like that. however, what ive been working on, is
whittling the joke down into a more compact form. for example
knock knock
whos there?
blank!
you see? its easy! all you have to do is plug in something so funny
into the blank that the rest of the joke is filler. however, it helps if you
have props. for example, i wrote a classic joke, that you can feel free to
copy for entertainment or educational purposes.
ingredients
10 rubber snakes
a bag to hold rubber snakes
a brain to remember knock-knock exchange
there are two ways to tell this joke, though the dialogue is the same.
knock knock
whos there
at this point, the joke splits. you can take your rubber snakes you
have with you, throw them at the person, yell SNAKES! and run as fast as you
can away. or, if youre more of the subtle type, you direct the person closer,
slowly open up the bag and say in your most creepy voice snakes. its all
basically about the humour you like, so have fun with it, and write me and
tell me what jokes you thought up.
a selection of poems by neil
warpus is one of my favorite zine writers, ever. so, in my own way, id like
to pay tribute to his excellent zine which im not sure if its still going
warpzine, through a little bit of poetry.
pro wrestling is
natures way of picking sides:
success and failure
hey, tony danza!
hows your career doing
after whos the boss?
you know that guy who
sits beside me in mod west?
hell never have sex.
SNL host colin
quinn thinks one day orange juice
may soon cost eight bucks
hey, you, simpleton!
buy my stuff, or i will give
you epilepsy!
CAROL RODRIQUEZ SUCKS DICK. AND HELMUT WENZLAFF IS A PORN FREAK. by neil
When I started taking long, introspective walks about a six months
ago, I hadnt even thought about the possible fringe benefits that go along
with them. Fitness is one, mental focus and clarity another. But man, the
cool shit you can find, especially in suburbia. Its grand. Cool telecom
plaques that tell you not to dig because of buried phone cable, loose change,
swanky clothing mostly in the singular, like a shoe, a sock, a mitten, and
if you do luck out, a million billion used condoms! None of that matters,
though. Well, the swanky clothes, but only cause theyre free. No, the best
stuff to find is, by far, loose papers and receipts. Gay as it might sound,
they really do tell wicked stories. Let me fill you in.
One day, while strolling home, I came across a Sears account statement
lying near the intersection of Birchmount Rd. and Danforth Ave. It belonged to
Carol Rodriquez, who strangely enough lives in Ottawa. Apt 503, 2035 Othello
Ave, postal code K1G 3P6. That seemed kind of neat, like it was well
travelled. While kind of wondering how it got there, I also came across the
fact that this woman owed nearly a thousand dollars of overdue payments, that
needed to be paid immediately.
I realised - shit, thats a paycheck. I guessed that this probably
wasnt a terribly wealthy woman, so thats like a paycheck away from being
tossed out of your apartment, potentially. I posess a statement of someones
financial shortcomings! I found it about six weeks after the billing date
April 28, 1998 so it could, in theory, be possible that this womans could
be sucking dick on a street corner to make ends meet! I am blown away by
that. Its a kind of rare case thing to find, but its like twice as good as
a movie if you think about it.
Hell, if you have the time or the inclination, you could even track
down these people and find out about them or their lives. You could keep a
file on them, and so long as youre careful its probably not stalking! And
the neat thing about it is that its just lying around. Youre not breaking
any laws like opening someones mail or something. Youre just peering into
someones life, because theyve in a way let you. For example, less than a
week ago I found a receipt for a video store. It was from two days before
Christmas of 1997.
Helmut Wenzlaff 416-699-3906, went into Electronic Sight Sound
and rented a copy of Men in Black, and another movie called Ben Dovers
London Calling. Now, I may be off the mark here, but that sounds like it
might be a porno movie. So, I let my imagination run wild. This guy is
a porn freak, because nobody in the world casually dabbles in pornography,
and if you tell me that you do, youre a damn liar. But, what if this guy
has a wife, and a family? What if they found out that Helmut was a porn
freak? Hey, maybe they already know. But what if they dont?
What if I call Helmut Wenzlaff and tell him that Im on to him? Or
tell his wife, or his kids? What if I look in the phonebook for his address
and mail him a photocopy of the receipt once a week?
There might be something fundamentally wrong with that, but I mean,
there you go. If this guy was careful enough, I wouldnt have found that. I
guess thats just something you can do. Sometimes, just words are enough to
set the gears in motion. Like an envelope from Cimco? that just says,
CHRIS GILL. Or a plain envelope that says in neat handwriting, Maxine for
Supplies. What supplies? You tell me.
And sometimes, youll just have your mind blown. The best piece in
my collection, even though I have a phone bill thats got to be like 20 years
old, is a simple piece of Apple Auto Glass notepad paper. And there is one
word on it.
Umbrella.
Thats far out.
an explanation-apology by neil
i figure that anyone whos read an issue of illbient previous would
probably be wondering where the serious content would be, because there was
some in illbient. truth be told, this is pretty vacuous. theres a bunch of
emotional problems that came to a head around the writing of this, and i
dont really feel the compulsion to open up to stragers, though sometimes it
is a lot easier than people you know.
im biting my tongue, a lot. i figure i could talk about the bad
relationship i got in, or seasonal depression, or being directionless, or
whatever you care to think of. I just did a stress test questionnaire, a
few days ago. the thing had a bunch of items with a number value assigned to
it, and you tabulated them up, and write down the total, and if it was 100 or
highter you could be prone to some sort of stress related health problem. i
dont particularly put much stock in it, but i got 290. it was a little
alarming, but im digressing somewhat.
all i can say, and i dont mean to sound after school special about
it, is that people wont reach out and help you unless you let people know
that you do indeed need help. i mean, you should also go to people whose job
it is to help my ex was in the same position as i am in now about a year ago,
and i was there for her, and now that the tables are turned shes left me high
and dry, but maybe shell get meningitis and things will work out. parents
are okay, but relatives are better. school people arent bas either.
i dont know what that, if anything, will accomplish. i guess its
just so you know. so, if the content seems trite or trying to be something its
not, theres a reason. my apologies, and i hope you still like the issue
regardless.
realisations - by neil
every once in a while, things hit me. like, who arent people ive pissed off,
because that number has gone down a lot in recent days. but seriously, heres
some stuff i was thinking about.
SWEATERS ARE SEXY.
im not sure why, but they are. someone just wearing a sweater seems a lot
more sexy to me than either being naked or whatever. Just sayin.
BERETS ARE GAY.
You know those stupid Canadian Olympic Berets? That should have started many
a nuclear incident. Those things are stupid. Youre asking for a smack if you
even thinkn about wearing one. Who the fuck do you thnk you are, Mr. French?
Jesus.
POP MUSIC IS TERRIBLE.
This should come as no surprise. However -
UNDERGROUND MUSIC IS NOT MUCH BETTER.
Most of my music is comprised of stuff that the average person hasnt heard of.
I used to pride myself on that, but now I realise I might just as well have
worn a beret - well, I didnt sink that low, but shit, a lot of that stuff is
really contrived. If you find music you like, dont tell anybody, because the
second anyone else finds out, it will be ruined.
BLACK THOUGHT IS A WICKED RAPPER, JAY-Z ISNT AS GOOD AS HE USED TO BE, DMX IS
NOT AS BAD AS PEOPLE WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE, AND THE HEIROGLYPHICS ARE THE
NICEST CREW IN RAP MUSIC.
I dont know what else to tell you, except I saw Heiro freestyling on rapcity,
and I wish I could write actual raps a quarter that good.
IF A GIRL SANG TO ME, I WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR HER.
A sappy, romantic notion? You bet! If it actually seriously happened to you,
would you do the same thing? You bet!
think about it.
bauhaus of the damned - by neil
some dialogue between me and my mom, about a month ago.
mom: neil?
me: yes?
mom: theres a bunch of apples scattered around the living room.
me: get out! youre kidding!
mom: no, really. pause did you have something to do with that?
me: actually, yes. me and ian my brother were having an apple party.
mom: oh. well, in future, clean up after youre done.
me: okay!
twenty minutes later, my mom finished cleaning, and sat down to watch
rosie odonnell. I sit down, eating an apple.
me: You know, taking a bite of the apple I was putting you on.
mom: pardon?
me: nobody touched the apples. nobody was having an apple party.
mom: oh.
me: do you even know what an apple party is?
mom: well...
me: cause i sure dont.
i get up, and go make some macaroni.
at my house, after coming home from playing darts with my dad.
dad: neil, if school was so important to you, youd be doing a better job.
me: youre right. im going to go play video games now.
on the phone with my ex girlfriend -
me: man, i need new brothers.
ex: what are you talking about? Ill be your brother! gruff voice hey,
lets wrestle!
in a car with my mom and ex girlfriend. i cant think of a more
uncomfortable situation, except face down in a riverbed.
mom: so, we went on the anniversary cruise, and nine months later, we had alex
my youngest brother
me: well, jeez, i think you missed an intermediate step in there.
my mom nearly crashed the car after i said that, and my ex was so
horrified, she didnt speak ot me for almost a day.
question period.
theres a girl who im friends with, right? and shes been in a couple of
things that ive written plays and we both got out of nasty relationships
recently. relationships on the rebound are rarely a good idea, but if were
both on the rebound, does that cancel the negative effects out, or double
them?
someone, help me out.
good movie ideas - by neil
i like movies, you could consider me a movie buff, so long as that
definition requires little to no actual knowledge of movies. here are some
of my good movie ideas -
Youve Got Snakes
Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, oh so good in Joe Versus the Volcano, star
in this hillarious yet heartfelt romantic comedy about the perils of snakes
and the internet. Through a series of accidents, Hanks and Ryan are snake
salespeople, in direct competition with each other. However, both are
embroiled in a steamy online romance! Sounds conventional, right? Wrong-o!
In a freak electrical storm, every computer in the city now has the power to
send binary encoded snakes through telecommunications lines! What was once a
love from afar is now a race against time to eliminate snakes and still have
time to be surprised by falling in love all over again! Expect thrills, chills
and the occasional spill, topped off with a heaping handful of love - and
snakes!
this idea was so good, im ending the issue right here.
thus concludes our broadcast day.
if youd like to submit something to a future issue of eutow, please
email it to dot@cybersolutions.net. thatd be all you need to know. thanks
for reading!
neil
aka emperor katozakro
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