onFriday, August 26th, 2022 five Lazarus operatives met up in downtown Toronto, Ontario, Canada .
tainted warpus melfarr
grindking
feat. Cap with special guests darkforce
and blackjack
The ancient prophecy foretold of these events!, warpus cried out
into the Queen St. West sky as he threw his phone into the pavement. Slowly picking it
up, it became clear that the screen of the phone was cracked in a pattern that spelled
out Hidden Falcon
Everybody immediately knew what this meant. The operation could proceed as planned!
Lazapalooza 2022 was ON
glorious fun, furious synergy
But what does any of this even mean? said Grind King, as he once again mysteriously
appeared out of thin air, this time holding 3 drinks in each one of his two hands.
Appearing out of thin air was Grind Kings secret power, but solving puzzles was not.
Im sure everything will make more sense after we finish these drinks, said warpus, and
so the drinks were slowly consumed as our heroes discussed subjects ranging from Mexican
monetary policy to Polish fart jokes.
Indeed, right after paying Mel Farr stopped and exclaimed: I KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO!
LETS GO THIS WAY
And so we walked over to the bar across the street for a couple more drinks, where we
ended up meeting a BL5 informant who spoke in riddles and incomplete sentences.
As the night came to a close it was clear that it was time to head back to the secret
Lazapalooza HQ, hidden in plain sight right under the noses of all Torontonians, right
downtown by the citys most important canoe.
DAY TWO
Saturday, August the 27th
The day began when warpus, who always wakes up at the crack of dawn, woke up the rest of the
troops with a traditional Polish scream.
Today we are going on a scavanger hunt, exclaimed warpus, as he opted for a dramatic pause
that lead to nowhere in particular.
BUT FIRST, THE TRADITIONAL EGGS BENEDICT BREAKFAST!!, a strange voice boomed all around
them. That sounds good to me, agreed Tainted. And so it was done - the crew indulged in
the most delicious eggs benedict that you can imagine. Hand-crafted by the finest
French-speaking Torontonian egg handlers, this breakfast set the stage for the rest
of the scavanger hunt.
they tasted a lot better than this looks
Next up was an intense 4 hour long kung fu set of exercises during which we broke wooden
planks over our heads and did flips in the air, also occasionally punching and kicking out
in unison. Afterwards we were rewarded with the most delicious tacos at Wilbur Mexicana.
Thereupon we visited graffiti alley and chinatown, where we engaged in urban pedestrian
training routines that to the average eye appeared to be nothing more than casual walking.
At Kensington Market Mel Farr bought some crack.
Afterwards we had to each tag 20 hipsters, which was easy enough to do once we got to Trinity-
Bellwoods Park. Walking through the park warpus finalized a meeting with a contact at a
secret undisclosed location that might double as a popular brewery. There we would eat some
tapas and plan our next move.
The agent reveled himself to be Darkforce of Integrity and Union fame! He shared with us
tales of the local lands and confirmed Mel Farrs suspicions about dynamics resulting in
gentrification in the area. Many fists came down and vowed to rectify the situation.
After an immensly intellectualy and socialy stimulating 2 hours, it was time for Darkforce
to disappear into the night. On the way out he directed us to a nearby Vietnamese eatery
where we could find the best pho in the 416 area code. We confirmed this by devouring
4 delicious bowls of pho not each
The night was coming to a close, but we still had enough energy for some kung-fu style
parkour along the rooftops of Queen St. West. After returning to our ultra secret HQ
it was time to destress a bit and put on some Matlock, as per tradition. We agreed to
wake up early and have another glorious day in Toronto.
DAY THREE
Sunday, August the 28th
I must depart immediately, said Tainted as he grabbed his cloak. Unfortunately my
skills are required elsewhere, he added as he bearhugged Mel Farr goodbye.
I will accompany you to the drop-off coordinates, mumbled warpus, as he prepared provisions
for the outing.
Successfully arriving at the undisclosed destination, our intrepid travellers were greeted
by none other than the dark lord himself.
It is good to see you again, Master, Darth Vader said as he turned to Tainted.
Fuck yeah, lets go! See ya later warpus, said Tainted as he jumped on board of the
already moving imperial transport.
I knew Tainted was a Sith Lord, warpus mumbled to himself as he doubled back to Mel Farr
and Cap, so they could have lunch and practice a bit more kung fu.
Afterwards a long walk took our heroes to Dundas street, where they boarded a streetcar and
rode it to Little Portugal. As the sticky hot August sun shone down and tired out our
intrepid crew, the idea of a midday nap became more and more of a popular proposition.
However, nearby Polish restaurants cafes were too attractive of a magnet for warpus,
who urged the group forward.
Finally reaching Roncesvalles, we sat down in Cafe Polonez and observed that almost everybody
there looked very Polish, which we took as a very good sign. And indeed it was, as the
shared meal of pork filled pierogi, potato filled pierogi, other types of pierogi, kompot,
Polish sour soup aka zurek, tripe soup, and other delectables hit the fucking spot.
A nap was had to celebrate the successful hike across the city and the delicious meal, and
after a bit of downtime and some kung fu it was time to eat some more food. Darkforce had
suggested a Thai restaurant and since Cap was craving Thai thats where we were off to.
Coconut and mango aromas filled the air as we dug into our soups and noodles, some opting
for fancy drinks and some not.
A long streetcar ride took us to the other end of Queen street - Queen Street East, which
feels a bit less pretentious than its western counterpart. We were here to pick up secret
space plans from none other than Blackjack of mimic and serial fame.
Turns out Blackjack threw a feast in our honour at the local wine bar and treated us to
wings and adult beverages. We spent hours exchanging stories and space other plans,
eventually also meeting a drunk ex-warez courier who proceeded to tell us MANY stories.
It was all a blast, but eventually everyone agreed that it was too late and that the warez
guy probably had a lot more stories coming. We kung fud our way back to our secret HQ
by the canoe and high-fived each other goodnight.
DAY FOUR
Monday, August the 29th
This was the saddest day of Lazapalooza, because not much really happened. Mel Farr and
warpus ate some bagels, the secret HQ was cleaned up and set on fire, two intruders were
eliminated and buried under the CN Tower, and warpus actually did manage to get in one
colloidal oatmeal bath before checking out..
.. but this day was also sad because it was the last day. After this there would be
no more tacos, no more smashed phones, no more pho, no more hipsters, no more fancy thai
beverages, no more kung fu, no more grind king, no more darkforce, and no more blackjack.
That is, UNTIL NEXT YEAR!!
with blackjack! and hookers? ... Yeah, maybe! Well see!
Okay, maybe no hookers. But everything else is on
WATCH FOR LAZAPALOOZA 2023 ANNOUNCEMENTS ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA OUTLETS
thank you to mimes, the 4th disciple, and the whole DARK family for helping plan this event