Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. Youre on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can
learn to read and write? Im giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didnt
they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I dont know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
Id like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dads banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think hes gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? Its time to give up that dream. Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid Francis nowadays? I bet youre
gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when were sleeping, do you really
know when were awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. Im skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesnt work with me. Youre getting a
sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We dont have a chimney in our house, how do you
get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself Marky, thats why
youre getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
dont live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa