onfinement Vol.1 Issue.1
Released 08/28/93
onfinement Publications 93
In This First Issue:
1 Message From The Editor.
2 Phun At The Quik-E-Mart.
3 Matchbox Want Ads.
4 Ingenious Plan 1 : Homeboy Bashing
5 The Demise Of -6o4- Land.
DiSCLAiMER: Usual Bullshit
Blah,blah,blah. We take no responsibility for the shit you pull no matter how
inspired by us even if you are completely drunk/stoned.
A Message From The Editor:
Well, all these articles you see here were supposed to appear in an E-Mag,
which never happened.. duh so I basically threw all the articles I wrote,
no matter how shitty into this k-elite issue. Ill definately write more,
depending on feedback, etc. Anyway, have phun.
- Hype
Phun At The Quik-E-Mart
There are many public enemies out there nowadays, drugs, violence,
alcohol, Geraldo. But the one main public enemy has not been entirely
noticed by the public. And that main enemy, is the QuiK-E-Mart.
Lets face facts here. Lets say its 10pm at night, and you have the
urge for a Coke. Nothings open at this hour, so you are forced to head to
the QuiK-E-Mart, conviently located at every single goddam corner, run by
your basic non-english speaking immigrant.
After arriving at the QuiK-E-Mart, you walk past the many isles of
stale beef jurky to the soda machine. After picking up your dirty, cum
stained paper cup, you start pumping loads of flat, warm, watered-down
Coke into your 10 Litre cup. And yes, conviently, there is no ice. You then
pay 2X as much for this as you would anywhere else and head on your way.
Violence is not the problem here, its the QuiK-E-Marts, and the
22 year old acme-ridden-no-life-stay-home-on-Saturday-night-and-play-Nintendo
employee working behind the counter. Think of all the kids that spend their
whole allowances at this place, these guys must be making a fortune!
The main pet peeve for me is their goddam 20 year old pinball games.
They eat your quarters so the owners can eat more beef jerky, and when you
try and get your quarter back, the geek working behind the counter says, Ah
well, tough luck, thats your problem. After that I usually respond with,
Ok fine, Im going to go beat the fucking shit out of your machine until
it GiVES me my quarter back, one way or another. And then I go and beat and
rape the machine rapidly until Abdul comes and kicks me out. This pisses me
off, so Ive come up with a few ways to piss THEM off.
1. If your quarter gets stuck, just beat the SHiT out of the machine.
2. If you ask for a price or something on their 2 year old candy bars, talk
like an East Indian and say, Hey, Abdul! How much are these?
3. Find the light switches, turn em off and on until they come and check,
and then run out to the front of the store and stuff as much shit in your
pockets as you possibly can.
4. Try and get them to bitch at you, stare em right in the eye, and mouth
em off, or else after theyve stopped bitching, say nothing until this
point respond with, Hiya.
5. Usually in the back freezer they have an alarm type thing, whenever you
open the freezer, it makes a buzzing in the front so they can watch what
youre doing. Grab something and shove it in the door so the buzzing doesnt
stop.
6. Heres one thats fun to watch the expression on their face. Go to their
little candy section up near the front, and just start chowing down. See
what they do.
7. Most QuiK-E-Marts have a photo copier. Before you enter the QuiK-E-Mart,
make a sign that says, Suck my dick or something along that line.
Since these machines are copy now pay later just put in your sign, and
set the number of copies to a nice number like, 900. Start it, and take
off. One of my friends got kicked out forever for this one, after about
500 copies or so.
8. Head to their potato chip section. Now crush every single bag, and people
who bought the chips will return them and want their money back. A waste,
but effective.
I do this all the time when I go to the Quik-E-Mart, just to piss them
off, since their complete assholes and deserve severe beatings to the head.
So go out and raise some hell, and do the world a favour while youre at it.
Those Annoying Matchbox Job Ads
I was watching TV just the other day when I saw the most
pythetic commercial, actually, a few. All put out by the
same company. One of them stated, You too can be a
correctional officer. Youll learn firearms, management
skills, and tricks of the trade... After rolling around
on the ground laughing at that pythetic commercial. I
started thinking, Ohhhh yessss, firearms skills for
gunning down your client after he molests you. Dont
forget managament skills! Management skills!? Yessss, you
too can be Brunos correctional officer, who axe murdered
his whole family to death, raped them, cut them into pieces
and ate them. Are we having PHUN yet? I think not. Tricks
of the trade? You mean like how to bribe people like Bruno
to not bum-fuck his jail mate, and stay clean? Wow, all this,
for 12,ooo a year, Im so tempted to drop out of Harvard to
become a correctional officer.
Or what about a librarian? Youll have management skills,
and youll know your way around the Dewey Decimal System...
THE DEWEY DECiMAL SYSTEM!? Oh please, stop it, Im so tempted.
Nuff said on that one.
Last but not least, a Handy-Capp school teacher aid. You
too can learn to feed Pablem and Gerber to their drooling
faces, and you can also learn 1o1 users for handy-drool in
this great book, free with your new job. Ingenious way
of grabbing your attention eh? Oh! Oh! I want the book!
Let me have the book!!!
So next time you feel depressed about working at Micky Ds
dishing up MC ardiac Arrests to low-life scum, remember,
you have it easy ...
Ingenious Plan 1 - Homeboy Extermination
Oh sure, it started in 1985 or around that dreadful year that rap
music reared out its ugly head. Big deal... not then anyway. But yes, a few
years later in this fucked up decade we call the 90s, the human race has been
dealt a dreadful blow to the head, rap music became popular, and their
followers, the homeboys, came into existance.
Lets take a brief look at rap here, how much talent does rap music
require? Thats right kiddies and fellow pirates, NONE. You get a nice little
beat going on yer high tech little gizmos, and you talk about nice things
like crime and violence, and raping women. Gee, this sounds pretty fucking
wicked so far, huh? A good example of how pythetic rap is would be that song
that was 1 requested in North America by some little 5 year old non-english
speaking kid. Happy happy joy joy, even a 5 year old can do it. And yes,
people thought it was really wicked. Shiah, right, wicked.
Okokok, lets just take the rag off of rap for one brief second ...
nahhh lets not, im on a roll.
Anyway, on to the homeboy bashing. It probably started out like this:
some poor black guy was living on the streets, found someones old pair of
pants, baggy jeans, crotch to the knees. and wore them. He managed to
scrounge together some money to get a hair cut, he didnt want to come back to
the barbers for awhile because he couldnt afford it, so he gets his head
shaved. And voila! People admire this guy for his coolness, so they all dress
like him and get into K-Rad rap music, and here this fad is born. Of course
at school or whatever, teens notice how this thing is the in thing to do,
so of course they do the same, and slowly the virus spreads, until everybody
is obsessed with baggy pants and rap music. And finally, in the 90s, nothing
but rap is on the radio. Why? Because rappers can whip out tunes a dime a
dozen, remember this requires NO talent whatsoever and since its cheap to
buy the music, and its the in thing, radio stations have no problem upon
playing mindless song after song of the exact same tune, except with semi
different lyrics of course. Instead of beating up on people, tune 2 will
be about drive-by shootings. Cool man.
Homeboys are pythetic. Seriously, they really are. I guess thats why
I find it fun driving through downtown Hong-Kouver with friends and shooting
homeboys with paintguns. Heheheh, that was fun. Anyway, on to the master plan.
WARNING!! THiS PORTiON OF THE TFILE CONTAiNS EXPLiCiT PLANS TO HOMEBOY
EXTERMiNATiON. iF YOU ARE A HOMEBOY, i SUGGEST YOU QUiCKLY KiLL
YOURSELF, AS YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY WORTHLESS HUMAN BEiNG.
THE MASTER PLAN: Drop A VERY large A-Bomb on New York.
Ingredients: One 1 garbage bag.
One 1 baseball bat.
Six 6 cans of Coca-Cola.
One 1 bag of Hostess potato chips. Any flavour
One 1 nuclear bomb
Ok, first, drop the bomb on New York, killing 90 of the homeboy population.
Good job. Now drink the coke and eat the chips as you watch people hit
14,4oo degrees centrigrade in about 0.00001 seconds, and laugh and spit
on them. Now drop down to the surface you do have an airplane, right? and
beat the shit out of any remaining homeboys with the baseball bat. Now loot
the whole goddam leftovers of the city, stealing expensive shit and stuffing
it into your garbage bag, screwing hookers the semi-melted ones and
smashing leftover rap tapes as you go. Congradulations, after the big rap
apple has fallen, the rest will soon come down.
THE DEMiSE OF -6o4-
Im sure some of you for those who were around can remember
the good old days of the 6o4, like in late 91, and early
92... Pirating back then was actually quite fun, and the 6o4
had their own decent groups like STYX, and DEVO, who brought
the warez into our very own 6o4. We had E-Mag groups like
Propaganda, that added to the 6o4. When I started pirating way
back around Xmas of 91, sigh 24oos were still around in
mass quantities, and lamers stayed on their own little
lamer boards. Then came the evil day of the 14.4k/v.32bis
Sportster, and numbers increased... The K-Elite HST boards
grew smaller, and the amount of lamers rapidly increased. gasp
Im not saying V.32bis is lame, what I am saying though is
pirating became cheaper, and more public, and so numbers
rapidly increased. And then out of all this shit came those
users who think theyre -way- too wicked for us normal hum-dum
users, and made it so you have to be elite to get anywhere
in life... Pirating now is like drug trafficing, or
prostitution, its basically been reduced to a pile of shit, in
my opinion. Basically what Im trying to get across is
pirating, in 6o4, is now like a game, to see who can claw
their way to the top.
Well, thats all she wrote for now... l8r.
PHYSiCAL iNSANiTY - 2oo Megz Online. 14.4k/V.32bis
Copyright onfinement Publications 1993
All Rights Fucked In The Head
Released 08/28/93
onfinement Publications 93
In This First Issue:
1 Message From The Editor.
2 Phun At The Quik-E-Mart.
3 Matchbox Want Ads.
4 Ingenious Plan 1 : Homeboy Bashing
5 The Demise Of -6o4- Land.
DiSCLAiMER: Usual Bullshit
Blah,blah,blah. We take no responsibility for the shit you pull no matter how
inspired by us even if you are completely drunk/stoned.
A Message From The Editor:
Well, all these articles you see here were supposed to appear in an E-Mag,
which never happened.. duh so I basically threw all the articles I wrote,
no matter how shitty into this k-elite issue. Ill definately write more,
depending on feedback, etc. Anyway, have phun.
- Hype
Phun At The Quik-E-Mart
There are many public enemies out there nowadays, drugs, violence,
alcohol, Geraldo. But the one main public enemy has not been entirely
noticed by the public. And that main enemy, is the QuiK-E-Mart.
Lets face facts here. Lets say its 10pm at night, and you have the
urge for a Coke. Nothings open at this hour, so you are forced to head to
the QuiK-E-Mart, conviently located at every single goddam corner, run by
your basic non-english speaking immigrant.
After arriving at the QuiK-E-Mart, you walk past the many isles of
stale beef jurky to the soda machine. After picking up your dirty, cum
stained paper cup, you start pumping loads of flat, warm, watered-down
Coke into your 10 Litre cup. And yes, conviently, there is no ice. You then
pay 2X as much for this as you would anywhere else and head on your way.
Violence is not the problem here, its the QuiK-E-Marts, and the
22 year old acme-ridden-no-life-stay-home-on-Saturday-night-and-play-Nintendo
employee working behind the counter. Think of all the kids that spend their
whole allowances at this place, these guys must be making a fortune!
The main pet peeve for me is their goddam 20 year old pinball games.
They eat your quarters so the owners can eat more beef jerky, and when you
try and get your quarter back, the geek working behind the counter says, Ah
well, tough luck, thats your problem. After that I usually respond with,
Ok fine, Im going to go beat the fucking shit out of your machine until
it GiVES me my quarter back, one way or another. And then I go and beat and
rape the machine rapidly until Abdul comes and kicks me out. This pisses me
off, so Ive come up with a few ways to piss THEM off.
1. If your quarter gets stuck, just beat the SHiT out of the machine.
2. If you ask for a price or something on their 2 year old candy bars, talk
like an East Indian and say, Hey, Abdul! How much are these?
3. Find the light switches, turn em off and on until they come and check,
and then run out to the front of the store and stuff as much shit in your
pockets as you possibly can.
4. Try and get them to bitch at you, stare em right in the eye, and mouth
em off, or else after theyve stopped bitching, say nothing until this
point respond with, Hiya.
5. Usually in the back freezer they have an alarm type thing, whenever you
open the freezer, it makes a buzzing in the front so they can watch what
youre doing. Grab something and shove it in the door so the buzzing doesnt
stop.
6. Heres one thats fun to watch the expression on their face. Go to their
little candy section up near the front, and just start chowing down. See
what they do.
7. Most QuiK-E-Marts have a photo copier. Before you enter the QuiK-E-Mart,
make a sign that says, Suck my dick or something along that line.
Since these machines are copy now pay later just put in your sign, and
set the number of copies to a nice number like, 900. Start it, and take
off. One of my friends got kicked out forever for this one, after about
500 copies or so.
8. Head to their potato chip section. Now crush every single bag, and people
who bought the chips will return them and want their money back. A waste,
but effective.
I do this all the time when I go to the Quik-E-Mart, just to piss them
off, since their complete assholes and deserve severe beatings to the head.
So go out and raise some hell, and do the world a favour while youre at it.
Those Annoying Matchbox Job Ads
I was watching TV just the other day when I saw the most
pythetic commercial, actually, a few. All put out by the
same company. One of them stated, You too can be a
correctional officer. Youll learn firearms, management
skills, and tricks of the trade... After rolling around
on the ground laughing at that pythetic commercial. I
started thinking, Ohhhh yessss, firearms skills for
gunning down your client after he molests you. Dont
forget managament skills! Management skills!? Yessss, you
too can be Brunos correctional officer, who axe murdered
his whole family to death, raped them, cut them into pieces
and ate them. Are we having PHUN yet? I think not. Tricks
of the trade? You mean like how to bribe people like Bruno
to not bum-fuck his jail mate, and stay clean? Wow, all this,
for 12,ooo a year, Im so tempted to drop out of Harvard to
become a correctional officer.
Or what about a librarian? Youll have management skills,
and youll know your way around the Dewey Decimal System...
THE DEWEY DECiMAL SYSTEM!? Oh please, stop it, Im so tempted.
Nuff said on that one.
Last but not least, a Handy-Capp school teacher aid. You
too can learn to feed Pablem and Gerber to their drooling
faces, and you can also learn 1o1 users for handy-drool in
this great book, free with your new job. Ingenious way
of grabbing your attention eh? Oh! Oh! I want the book!
Let me have the book!!!
So next time you feel depressed about working at Micky Ds
dishing up MC ardiac Arrests to low-life scum, remember,
you have it easy ...
Ingenious Plan 1 - Homeboy Extermination
Oh sure, it started in 1985 or around that dreadful year that rap
music reared out its ugly head. Big deal... not then anyway. But yes, a few
years later in this fucked up decade we call the 90s, the human race has been
dealt a dreadful blow to the head, rap music became popular, and their
followers, the homeboys, came into existance.
Lets take a brief look at rap here, how much talent does rap music
require? Thats right kiddies and fellow pirates, NONE. You get a nice little
beat going on yer high tech little gizmos, and you talk about nice things
like crime and violence, and raping women. Gee, this sounds pretty fucking
wicked so far, huh? A good example of how pythetic rap is would be that song
that was 1 requested in North America by some little 5 year old non-english
speaking kid. Happy happy joy joy, even a 5 year old can do it. And yes,
people thought it was really wicked. Shiah, right, wicked.
Okokok, lets just take the rag off of rap for one brief second ...
nahhh lets not, im on a roll.
Anyway, on to the homeboy bashing. It probably started out like this:
some poor black guy was living on the streets, found someones old pair of
pants, baggy jeans, crotch to the knees. and wore them. He managed to
scrounge together some money to get a hair cut, he didnt want to come back to
the barbers for awhile because he couldnt afford it, so he gets his head
shaved. And voila! People admire this guy for his coolness, so they all dress
like him and get into K-Rad rap music, and here this fad is born. Of course
at school or whatever, teens notice how this thing is the in thing to do,
so of course they do the same, and slowly the virus spreads, until everybody
is obsessed with baggy pants and rap music. And finally, in the 90s, nothing
but rap is on the radio. Why? Because rappers can whip out tunes a dime a
dozen, remember this requires NO talent whatsoever and since its cheap to
buy the music, and its the in thing, radio stations have no problem upon
playing mindless song after song of the exact same tune, except with semi
different lyrics of course. Instead of beating up on people, tune 2 will
be about drive-by shootings. Cool man.
Homeboys are pythetic. Seriously, they really are. I guess thats why
I find it fun driving through downtown Hong-Kouver with friends and shooting
homeboys with paintguns. Heheheh, that was fun. Anyway, on to the master plan.
WARNING!! THiS PORTiON OF THE TFILE CONTAiNS EXPLiCiT PLANS TO HOMEBOY
EXTERMiNATiON. iF YOU ARE A HOMEBOY, i SUGGEST YOU QUiCKLY KiLL
YOURSELF, AS YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY WORTHLESS HUMAN BEiNG.
THE MASTER PLAN: Drop A VERY large A-Bomb on New York.
Ingredients: One 1 garbage bag.
One 1 baseball bat.
Six 6 cans of Coca-Cola.
One 1 bag of Hostess potato chips. Any flavour
One 1 nuclear bomb
Ok, first, drop the bomb on New York, killing 90 of the homeboy population.
Good job. Now drink the coke and eat the chips as you watch people hit
14,4oo degrees centrigrade in about 0.00001 seconds, and laugh and spit
on them. Now drop down to the surface you do have an airplane, right? and
beat the shit out of any remaining homeboys with the baseball bat. Now loot
the whole goddam leftovers of the city, stealing expensive shit and stuffing
it into your garbage bag, screwing hookers the semi-melted ones and
smashing leftover rap tapes as you go. Congradulations, after the big rap
apple has fallen, the rest will soon come down.
THE DEMiSE OF -6o4-
Im sure some of you for those who were around can remember
the good old days of the 6o4, like in late 91, and early
92... Pirating back then was actually quite fun, and the 6o4
had their own decent groups like STYX, and DEVO, who brought
the warez into our very own 6o4. We had E-Mag groups like
Propaganda, that added to the 6o4. When I started pirating way
back around Xmas of 91, sigh 24oos were still around in
mass quantities, and lamers stayed on their own little
lamer boards. Then came the evil day of the 14.4k/v.32bis
Sportster, and numbers increased... The K-Elite HST boards
grew smaller, and the amount of lamers rapidly increased. gasp
Im not saying V.32bis is lame, what I am saying though is
pirating became cheaper, and more public, and so numbers
rapidly increased. And then out of all this shit came those
users who think theyre -way- too wicked for us normal hum-dum
users, and made it so you have to be elite to get anywhere
in life... Pirating now is like drug trafficing, or
prostitution, its basically been reduced to a pile of shit, in
my opinion. Basically what Im trying to get across is
pirating, in 6o4, is now like a game, to see who can claw
their way to the top.
Well, thats all she wrote for now... l8r.
PHYSiCAL iNSANiTY - 2oo Megz Online. 14.4k/V.32bis
Copyright onfinement Publications 1993
All Rights Fucked In The Head
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